It doesn't matter where you are politically when it comes to sexual abuse. The Clintons are on the left, as is Weinstein, as is Halperin, and Anthony Weiner, who is finally going to prison, although for some reason (money and powerful friends like the Clintons), not for nearly enough time. And Ailes was on the right, which is where O'Reilly is. I'm not really sure where to put Bill Cosby. There are plenty of other examples. But if there's no political affiliation specific to sexual abusers, what then do we attribute it to? Well, first and foremost, a Judeo-Christian view of sex would help things a bit, as this would include treating women as people instead of objects, as well as viewing sex as something to be done in much more select circumstances, rather than whenever we want with whomever we please. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, that means marriage, but if you don't follow that, it can still be treated less flippantly that our culture treats it right now. Sex is everywhere.
And to those on the far left, the third wave feminist bullshit must stop. Those of you who are traditional feminists who believe in equality for men and women, I'm with you. But the man-hating, men-and-women-are-the-same, white-men-ruin-everything mentality is toxic. Men and women are different, and their sex drives are different, whether you like it or not. And white men did not ruin anything. We can't even agree on what a white person is. When my grandparents came here, they weren't considered white, because Italians weren't considered white at the time. They were I-talians or wops and whatever other slur. They did not enjoy this thing called "white privilege." They did not own slaves. Their parents, grandparents, and great grandparents did not own slaves. They were despised: like the Irish, like the Blacks, like the Asians, who were put into interment camps during World War II. Injustices abound. No good comes from vilifying an entire race, or an entire sex, and no good comes from trying to be something that you're not. No good comes from treating sex like it's no big deal, or that you have power and can prove it by having sex whenever you choose. And no good comes from frequent one-night stands, abortions being touted as virtuous, and injecting sex into everything.
The #METOO hashtag is a way for people who have been sexually abused of harassed to share their stories, because a lot of women (and men) have been abused and/or harassed, and it's very sad, but we need to define and understand the difference between harassment and abuse and what is and it not acceptable. For example, the story that came out about wheelchair-bound President George H.W. Bush touching the butt of an actresses during a photo opportunity and telling a lame joke is NOT on the same level as some other heinous acts. The former President can barely move, probably can't get his arm much further up than ass-level from his chair, and did so in a very public and non-threatening setting, and, quite possibly, is suffering from dementia. I'm not saying it's OK to do that if he's not suffering from dementia (it's not), but it's not even close to the level of harassing or sexually abusing women in private, in a threatening environment, where the man is someone who wouldn't probably die if you punched him with any amount of power... Also, as far as #METOO goes, if the anonymity allows a sexually-abusive person still in power to potentially continue to abuse new victims, why not actually call these people out rather than waiting until everyone else does, like what happened with Harvey or Bill Cosby?
But I would be a hypocrite if I didn't tell my own #METOO story. I don't believe that one-in-three women are raped in college or whatever bullshit statistic the left tries to jam down the throats of college students. But I do believe that just about everyone is at least sexually harassed at some point; certainly women more often, but men too. And sexual harassment is different than sexual abuse, and really, everyone is different in how they react to things. It doesn't always necessitate reporting it to the authorities. I've had both women and men say sexual things to me that were inappropriate, but these things did not impact me at all. Perhaps the worst case of sexual harassment I experienced personally (and yes, I'm lucky in that) was when some guy grabbed my ass when I was walking into a party during college and said something along the lines of "Hey, sexy, I'd like to have some of that." To this I replied some derivative of, "Get your hands the fuck off of me" and kept walking. That was it. And his behavior was not acceptable, but I'm the kind of person who that sort of thing did not impact. It was minor, and I had no need to report him and impact his life negatively when he had zero impact on my life, although for someone else, that decision could have absolutely been the opposite. But to me, it was probably just some gay guy I didn't know who had way too much to drink. Whatever. And quite honestly, if a woman did that to me, I would have probably smiled and laughed, and if she was attractive, who knows where that night could have gone, but I acknowledge that it's a double standard at work there. Men should not do that to women, if only because men are (like it or not, in general) the stronger sex, and that sort of behavior could impact someone negatively, regardless of the sexes of the perpetrator and the victim.
That's what I have to say to the left, but my message to the right may be even more crass and less well-received, because the right is the place I was raised, and the church is the place I was raised, so I know all about its failures. Yes, I still lean right, and I still go to church, but there are so many problems inherent to communities and churches on the right that allow for sexual assault to thrive. And I will now call them out and rampage against them, because while people certainly can and should forgive those who have wronged them, sexual abuse is NEVER acceptable. First and foremost, the church can never be a place that fosters sexual abuse in anyway, nor should it protect abusers. Known abusers should immediately be reported to the police and proper authorities. Forgiveness is indeed ideal, but punishment must also run its course, and known abusers should immediately be removed from any positions of power within the church.
I was talking to a good friend of mine last month. We happened to first cross paths many years ago in a church that we both attended for a while, and though it was not the church I grew up in, it was the church that she grew up in for several formative years during her childhood. It was a conservative independent fundamental Christian church. She told me some disturbing things that I believe contribute to rape culture. Apparently, the girls, often but not always in classes and Bible studies with only girls, were told how they should dress. They need to wear loose-fitting clothing, fashion to the knee, and shirts that don't have a low enough neck-line such that guys can easily look down it. And in that church, boys and girls weren't even allowed to swim together. And don't get me started on the rules about guys and girls being alone together. A pastor once questioned me when I drove a teenage girl home, from a family I had known since before she was born, with no one else in the car.
"So which part of the Bible did the use to justify what they were telling you?" I asked my friend.
"They were always saying that we needed to dress modestly. You know, like no tank tops or short skirts or things like that. Because they said it could tempt the guys and cause them to stumble."
"Based on what? Have they read the Bible? Where does it say that?"
I Timothy 2:9 talks about modesty, saying "that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array" and I Peter 3:3 mentions that women ought to avoid "outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel." I didn't have a Bible with me when we were having this discussion, but I shared my belief that Biblical modesty means not wearing over-the-top expensive things in order to bring attention to yourself above all others or show off your wealth. This was likely something largely cultural, and it had nothing to do with how much skin a woman was showing. No, I'm not saying it's acceptable to wear a bikini to church, for the same reason it's not acceptable to wear a bikini to work (unless you work at a pool or beach), but I am saying that it's fine to wear a bikini at a pool or beach if you want to. You should wear what's appropriate in its place. At least, there certainly isn't anything in the Bible that says you should not.
"Actually," I told my friend, "I think it's demeaning not just to women but to MEN if you take that point of view, as if we're basic animals and a man can't control himself when he sees a woman wearing a tank top or a shirt skirt? You remember the story of David and Bathsheba? David saw her bathing, naked, lusted after her, committed adultery with her, and had her husband killed. Who does the Bible blame for that? David! It's David's own fault that he did that. The Bible doesn't say anything about how Bathsheba shouldn't have been naked in public in the first place. That's how they bathed back then. So ridiculous!"
The truth is that men are going to lust after women, no matter what they are wearing. I've lusted after women who were wearing layers of clothing and dressed according to every possible definition of modesty. That doesn't matter, although it does matter that I did not act inappropriately on it. The only thing that women not wearing "revealing" clothing does is reduce the immediate knee-jerk turned-on reaction of straight men seeing you for the first time dressed (or undressed) in that way. If the man lusts or acts inappropriately at that point, it is entirely on the man. Why should a woman not be allowed to wear what she wants or what she feels comfortable wearing? I agree with the feminists here, including the crazy ones: A woman SHOULD be able to wear whatever she wants to, and it is NOT her fault if a man harasses, assaults, or rapes her. That is victim-blaming, and that feeds into a rape culture mentality. And too many--yes, too fucking many--conservative Christian churches play into this dangerous lie that perpetuates rape culture. I've skinny-dipped with beautiful women and haven't assaulted or harassed them. Yeah, take that, ye of sheltered ignorance. I'm not an extraordinary person, and I do very much enjoy seeing naked women, but I simply respect women. The Bible teaches respect for all human beings, and my dad and mom raised me to respect women, so I try to do so. Nudity does not equal sex. Naked or scantily-clad women are not necessarily looking for sex. Sex is not an unimportant thing to be trifled with, and it ideally belongs only within a marriage. And even if you have sex outside of marriage, no means no: simple as that.
"Well, did they ever teach you what to do when a guy did hit on you?" I asked my friend.
"No."
"What about how to hit on a guy that you're interested in?"
"No."
"So just what to wear so a guy doesn't hit on you? Even though they'll eventually hit on you anyway? You know, seeing as you're a beautiful girl no matter what you're wearing..."
"Yup."
"Wow. Really useful. I'm glad I left that church..."
The title of this post refers to the danger of situations like those that Harvey Weinstein put certain women in, but I feel it's appropriate, or perhaps inappropriate, to end the post with the first few lines of the most famous song by the rock band Harvey Danger.
"I had visions, I was in them, I was looking into the mirror, to see a little bit clearer, rottenness and evil in me. Fingertips have memories, mine can't forget the curves of your body, and when I feel a bit naughty, I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes, but no one ever does..."
